Me Too


The last few days, reading people’s “me too” posts on Twitter, including my own daughters, most recent harassment/assault. Had me thinking about all the times, I had been harassed, cat called, grabbed or had men leering at me, especially when I was younger.

I tweeted that I am 50 and my daughter is 25, she has been harassed much the same way I was. So in 25 years nothing has changed, makes me wonder why and is it a generational problem? Has my generation and those before us, enabled this to continue for so long?

When I was younger I had a large chest, I still do but with gravity and a child they aren’t as pert as they used to be. I was always self-conscious of this and never wore anything to encourage, the looks the comments or the grabs. I got comments like, “we saw you coming, your boobs turned up before you”. I was called Dolly Parton, Sam Fox, asked if I was going to become a glamour model, how long it was since I’d seen my feet. I was grabbed, had my top pulled up or looked down. No man ever looked me in the eye, which is really hard because I’m just over 5ft 3”.

When I went to pubs or clubs, I was groped, lewd comments made, outright disgusting suggestions made. What did I do about it? Nothing, I laughed and went along with it. Why? Well it was just boys being boys, you get told to get a thicker skin, take no notice. You learn very fast to have great comebacks for the cat calls and comments. I still revert to these today, when really I should tell the guy it isn’t acceptable. But behaviour is so ingrained it is hard for me to change it, so to expect guys of my generation to teach there boys different, I have to change my habits and tell these guys, that it’s not acceptable, it hurts, it makes women feel worthless, like they are nothing to men but sex on legs for their enjoyment.

My parents were publicans and I worked the bar, plus other pub bars and the inuendo, the comments and the grabs were par for the course. they still are all this time later, when my daughter worked in pubs.You shouldnt have to put up with it, male or female. it shouldnt be expected of you to put up with it, because of the type of job you have. you get comments likeoh you’re only a barmaid. So what? It isnt an easy job, as much as some people seem to think it is. try it for a few weeks its bloody hard work, so why should I put up with men wanting something from the bottom shelf, so I have to bend over? why do I have to put up with having my boobs grabbed when my hands are full? I shouldn’t have nor should anybody working at their job, no matter what they job is, how much they get paid or how low you think they are on the totem pole.

I am not in any way blaming women for being attacked, verbally, physically or emotionally. Not just women, this happens to men too, have you ever seen a hen night get out of control? Worked for a female boss who likes a guy you work with? It doesn’t matter your gender or sexuality it happens. It also doesn’t matter what job you’ve got, a cleaner or a top celebrity it can and does happen to you. Age doesn’t matter either, I remember when my daughter was 4 and just started school, a boy in her class had grabbed her inappropriately and made her uncomfortable, this kid was 5 years old, how did he know what to do and thought it was normal. I reported it to the school, They looked into it and it discovered this kid had been porn and that it was “normal” to him. What happened next? They called both children into the office and basically said to the kid he wasn’t to touch girls like that and then tried pushing my daughter into describing what had happened, she felt ashamed and scared and was basically told she was being over sensitive. What did I do, that’s right, I got upset along with her angry t the school but did nothing, because after all you need to grow a thick skin.

The bravery of those coming out, telling their stories, good for you but not everybody can, will or wants to tell you. This doesn’t make their pain or experience any less valid or painful. It just means they heal a different way to you. People have to find their own catharsis and their own time scale. All I know is I was and wasn’t shocked by the amount of “Me Too” tweets.

So people of my generation really do need to stop having a thick skin, stop accepting these things as normal and speak up. If in 25 years our children are still suffering the same issues, we need to step in and say stop. This is wrong, I don’t want my child treated like this, it hurts and it lives with you forever. I did teach my daughter from early to talk to me, slap, kick punch, scream or do anything to get her out of uncomfortable situations. I don’t want her to have to teach the next generation the same. I want this to not be an issue in the first place.

Let’s stop it being acceptable, let’s stop teaching kids to have a thick skin, let’s stop letting other harass us or keep us quiet, LETS STOP BLAMING VICTIMS, lets stand up together to make those scared to stand up, be able to stand up and be believed and have a safe place to come. Be open, be willing to listen and if we all stand together, teach each other and teach those around us, we can build a wall of human kindness and stamp out those that think they have a right, to grab our boobs, to blame us for dressing how we feel comfortable and sexy.

We can dress to feel sexy for ourselves not for you, not for your pleasure but to give us confidence, to make ourselves feel good. Stop calling us sluts and telling us we asked for it. We didn’t, we don’t.

No More, ME TOO.

Rebuilding the walls



Trust, something we do without question, from birth. We trust our parents to look after us, we are told who to trust and who not to trust, we then grow up and learn just how fragile trust is.

As we grow older we find that our trust gets broken, we get hurt and a little piece of us is taken away, yet we do it again and again. That is until one day we have our trust broken so often we stop, we stop trusting and we build a wall around ourselves, something to protect us and prevent us from being hurt again. Sadly this also means we are hiding our true self, we shield ourselves behind what we think people want to see and we also find our own ways to cope.

Personally I deflect with humour, or I just get over enthused about being part of “the crowd”. The detrimental effect is, once all your trust has been stolen from you, you pull away. I have now pulled away so far and so often that I have social phobia, meaning I avoid social situations at all costs. Recently I as some of you know, used social media as a way of being more social and thought I had made some real friends, I started to dismantle the wall I had built and let people in. This seems to have been going fine, as far as I was aware.

Unfortunately this has also proved I was wrong to trust, as I found that I had been cast aside and for no reason that I am aware. I tried asking but this has led to just more heartbreak as these questions have never been answered. So again I find I have to build that wall but this time I am going to build it out of such thick layers, nobody is getting through them again. Its fine saying to me or anybody, “you can’t do that you can’t live like that”.

Yes I can, I have also come to realise that I must really have issues with my personality, and I must be or have been a really horrible person. I find it really difficult to put myself out there and no amount of effort seems to be enough. So from now on the only person I trust is me. I refuse to be hurt, I refuse to allow myself to show and vulnerability, I refuse to let the real me out. The real me is extremely vulnerable, lacks confidence, suffers from extreme anxiety both social and general, the real me is, or should I say was? Kind, honest, there for everybody. Not anymore, I sit here day after day, where  the only social interaction is the internet, when I can’t trust that anymore I have nothing. So that wall is back up stronger than ever, the only person behind it is now a cold hearted bitch, who trusts nobody or anything I am told. I will still sit here but I won’t share anything anymore because, what’s the point really?

Why do people enjoy knocking walls down, just to walk over another person? Do they enjoy it? Do they not see the pain they cause by their actions? If they do, then do they really care?  I can blame others for my broken trust but really the only person to blame is myself, for trusting, for opening up and showing my vulnerabilities. My confidence and self- esteem have taken a nose dive and that’s fine because nobody will notice, I won’t let them. I have no need for friends or social interaction because I am a horrible person that doesn’t deserve them and I’ve got this far and I don’t need to go any further. I don’t see the point

Don’t forget to leave a comment or a like. Not that they matter anymore but my self- esteem may at least get a kick up instead of down for a change

Depression, flower or weed?


I have been trying to put this on paper for a few weeks now, it has taken me so long to actually find something to give an image to my emotions and how depression has in its effect has completely opposite, conflicting sides and how it has beauty even in its darkest form, but trying to find the beauty is so difficult.

So, spring has well and truly started to spring. While the weather has been getting better, my moods weren’t which is unusual, as I love spring and light nights and days. They make me happier due to less pain and just general mood improvement by light. I actually went to see my new doctor and she reassured me that it is not in my mind it’s a chemical imbalance (which actually is in my mind but) which I knew, but when you are on such a high dose of an antidepressant and still feeling crap it makes you doubt. Because of the pain relief I get from the meds I am on the doctor really doesn’t want to change anything but wants to add more. I have been put on Propanalol for my anxiety and then the magic of Metazapine, now I know I had some issues with this in the past but at this point I am willing to try anything.

As this is the only other antidepressant I can safely take with all my other meds I am giving it a go. I forgot about the night terrors, full on twitches and body shakes when taking it. I know it takes at least 4 weeks until you actually start to feel the full effect of them so 5 weeks later I should be walking on clouds but am I? What I can say in all honesty is, it’s been a battle and I’m definitely not there yet, as soon as I break through the dark ground into the light, along comes a weed whacker and I go back into hiding.

That is the worst part about suffering a mental illness, as much as we try to hide it, like a delicate flower, we suffer damage at the smallest perceived slight, or somebody telling us something that is totally rational, but in our most fragile moments we take it to heart and are convinced that they are not seeing where we are coming from. So what do we do? We go back into our shell and have to start the fight again. Watching how the flowers in my garden have had to fight, not only through the dirt, but the weed membrane and the slates that were put down last year, just to reach the light, it made me think. Why is it weeds are in abundance even the pretty ones, they don’t seem to have to fight half as hard to get through as the flowers, so why bother being a flower if it’s easier to be a weed. I mean depression makes you feel like a weed even when somebody says you are pretty, kind special or anything nice, you are waiting for them to throw you aside for something, nicer, kinder, better, like flowers.

So why bother trying to be a flower? Well I think it’s because after all the fight you go through, the medication you have had to suffer the side effects of. The battle with the fear and pain of even leaving the house at times, the changes you are scared of, that happen anyway, you need a payoff. Some days the battle does feel too much, like going to a ATOS medical where the nurse actually lied in her report, and you can prove that lie, you question if you are going mad, if you are just a statistic that they need to fulfil their quota with.

Like a weed killer sprayed randomly, it takes no notice you are a flower trying to bloom, it kills you too. It makes you want to hide back in the dirt and die back and give in, but again you don’t, you fight to the light again. But how many times does a flower try bloom before it lets the weeds suffocate it? I don’t know yet, I am sure nobody can answer that question without seeing the beauty of a suffocating weed before it consumes them.

I also think that everybody needs to think of themselves as gardeners, especially in this technological age, where it is so easy to communicate, yet context and tone don’t come across, so the recipient of a message may be the flower that just broke through the ground, waiting to show their beauty, they get a message and because they are at the fragile, vulnerable stage they see it as a rampant weed attacking them, they are not sure the fight is worth it, they give it up. I think we all, even those that are suffering need to take a breath and think before they type out a message, be a flower lover not a rampant weed.

Messages have consequences, even if we don’t mean it as its read, the tone or sarcasm can’t be assessed across a tweet, a Facebook message. Even if somebody knows you well, they may be a just breaking flower wondering if the fight is worth it. A message perceived as an attack even if it isn’t is a weed killer and may just be the last time that flower decides the fight to see the light and bloom into a beautiful flower for the world to enjoy.

Remember to Like or comment so I know you’re out there. Thank you for reading 

Loneliness and friendship



It’s been a while since I have written a blog, I have actually been doing it old school, with a pen and paper, I don’t know it just felt more therapeutic. Plus I didn’t want to put some of the thoughts in my head, into the public domain.

The past month or so have been particularly rough, I don’t know why but I haven’t really left the house, well unless I really have too. I had it suggested that maybe some of it was loneliness, this made me think. Am I lonely?  What is loneliness anyway? I don’t know, I know you don’t have to be alone to be lonely, you’ve all heard the phrase “lonely in a crowded room” well that in my experience is very true.  I know at the moment  I don’t feel lonely, in fact I couldn’t care less if I don’t see anybody, if I don’t talk to anybody, it just doesn’t bother me. Maybe because of my feeling so, meh, anyhow, down or maybe I really don’t like people. I’m not a person who likes or even needs people around me. Don’t get me wrong I can hold my own in a conversation about all kinds of things, I just prefer not to.

I remember when my daughter was little I worried she would be lonely, we live in a road that there has never been any kids to play with, the local school was full so we had to send her to a school further away, this meant the only way she had friends to play with was if we had people round or she went to a friend’s home. She has never said her childhood was lonely and I know that being alone developed her imagination and her love of books and adventurous side. I realise now how lucky I was to grow up on a housing estate, with no shortage of people to hang out with. Of course then we all played outside and ate our lunch with dirty hands and spit on a hanky was the only antiseptic we had.

There is a lot to be said for social housing and sadly its disappearing faster that trumps credibility. It isn’t only kids that suffer, especially if school and school friends don’t live close but also elderly people. I remember when we used to play knock down ginger etc, we knew where old people lived so we avoided those doors, we also knew all the old people and you knew when they were ill etc because you noticed these things. That being said, times and people have changed, I watched a video today on Facebook, a guy put as he status “Is there anything I can do today for anybody?” he then took it further and went out and attempted to do kind things for people, sadly nobody seemed to want to take him up on it either through distrust or suspicion.

Maybe this is why we become lonely, we don’t trust others enough to see that not everyone, wants something from us for our acts of kindness, I also feel it’s a generational thing. When I was a kid you helped older people carry their shopping, you were taught to respect your elders. Not only that if you didn’t you’d likely to get a clip round the ear for being lippy. But we were trusted to carry shopping for a person, without running off with it. You spoke to older people and asked if you could do anything for them, now if a younger person does this they either do expect something for it, or are perceived as wanting something for it. I think this adds to people shutting themselves off to others thus becoming lonely.

I moved into my home 22 years ago this year and made a point of getting to know my neighbours, in fact I cared for 2 of my neighbours until they passed away. No I didn’t kill them they were elderly, but one of them became family to me and for the 16 years I lived next door we became very close and the little family she did have knew she was cared for. So much so that in the 16 years I only met them twice and the second time was at the funeral. But to know that I played a part in my neighbour not being lonely and finding out her amazing history makes me proud.

miss peeke
My Neighbour Miss Peeke.

I know all of my neighbours, we don’t interfere in each other’s lives but we all know we can call on each other and I think that means I don’t feel alone. Things may change as the neighbours are all aging and new people are and in the future will move in and may not wish to be as accommodating. I do hope this isn’t the case though and like the town/village I live in, they continue to make the area stay a community and this will then pass down to a new generation that want to know people in their community and help others not feel loneliness as they grow older.

I personally take the words of Dolly Parton seriously, when in a movie she said “If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.”  It is something that’s free but for somebody it might just stop them being afraid to say hello, open a dialogue and might even make you a friend.  As for me, I am also of a lucky generation that has the internet and knows how to use it, I’m lucky because although I cannot see who I am talking to, I have made some friends through this medium and I can chat to them, that means I am not really alone, ever. I also know what great friends they are when recently, they showed their concern when they hadn’t heard from me for a few days. They know who they are and they will never really know how grateful I am to have them in my life. Even, if they are miles away. I will meet them one day but for now. I am just happy to call them my friends and my loneliness deflectors.

As always, please leave a like or a comment. It may even mean I won’t feel lonely today because I know you’re out there

Associative Anxiety. Is there such a thing?



Anybody that knows me can tell you that if I need to clear my head for any reason at all, I will go to either sit or walk along the beach. The sea and the sand are my sanctuary, strange because I was born in a city and I love the hubbub of the city. But I have always been drawn to water. The poem by JmStorm says it better than I ever will .


This has for the past 30 years been my go to place to think, to be inspired, to say goodbye, to admire what’s out there. So imagine my horror, when I went to the beach yesterday and out of nowhere came a full blown, massive anxiety attack. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, I really didn’t know how I was going to get home, all I knew was I had to get away from the beach (especially as the tide was coming in and drowning wasn’t on the menu, nor was hypothermia) I had to have this attack somewhere else. I didn’t want my brain to associate the beach, my sanctuary, with high anxiety. It came out of the blue so I have no idea what triggered it but it wiped me out.

I don’t know if it works that way, all I know is I couldn’t go into a certain shop after my first attack over 10 years ago, if I tried to get more than a few steps into the shop my heart would bang and I would start shaking. My brain would want to run and run fast. So I really don’t want to start having attacks at the one place that makes me feel at peace with myself. I know it seems strange to say, but when I am at the beach, or just be the sea I feel safe. Sounds silly right? I love it, calm or stormy it just claims me and I want to keep feeling this.

I sat down and had a chat to myself about what could have triggered it and the only thing I can think of is, my trip to the dentist on Tuesday, I managed to go without taking valium and was really proud of myself, but when I got home I was exhausted and just crashed, so obviously my anxiety was there but I had managed it. Wednesday I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I am not sure if it was residual anxiety or just my fibromyalgia, I just felt off.

I have pushed myself to go walking with the dog on the beach, even when I don’t really feel like it. So maybe that’s what brought this on, pushing myself and my anxiety decided to push back. I currently feel really anxious which is causing my head to ache and my body to shake, but to be honest I am not sure if it is anxiety or something else but I hope it passes soon because I don’t feel human at the moment, in fact I don’t feel at all. I am numb.

So I am asking those who suffer from anxiety, who doesn’t in these days. Do you have things or places that cause you to panic? Do you avoid them or do you push through it? My beach and the sea is my solace so I will push through it and take it back from my anxiety, although it’s not going to be today because it is to cold and I am suffering from a headache and tingling so I know I am not mentally or physically ready to take it on. But I promise myself and you, that I will take back control of the one place I am at peace. The one place I enjoy. The beach.


Refocus to Focus

Last night, I had the worst night sleep I have had in a while, I mean my sleep is all over the show anyway and if I get 5 hours in a night that’s great if I get 4 hours unbroken it’s a miracle. But last night was bad, I am still shaking all over and I am half way through the day. I had some bad dreams that made me sob in my sleep, this in turn woke me up crying, I also had the dog scraping his claws along the sides of his plastic bed, and no matter what he just wouldn’t stop. I also suffered at least 2 massive panic attacks in the night.  So needless to say, when I actually got out of bed I would knowingly be tired and not in a great mood.

It was in fact a surprise when I got up feeling really sad, deeply sad, not the sad feeling that the depression encompasses me in but a horrible the world just blew up and I lost all the good and nice in my life type of sad. Maybe my dreams had added to it or the panic, I don’t know and to be honest if I sit here and try to analyse it I would feel the same depth of sadness, so I am not going to. Needless to say, I really didn’t want to do anything today, but as my mind and body crashed hard yesterday, meaning I spent all day in bed. I felt that today I needed to do something, anything, but what?

It was while drinking my coffee it struck me, yes the dogs paw actually struck me, he wanted and needed a walk, and the garden just wasn’t going to cut it today. I am feeling deeply sad, its grey wet and cloudy outside, yet the dog with his sad face made me go get dressed and go outside. As the mutt had made me go out in the drizzling rain I told him he had to wear his silly coat too, because I wasn’t going out getting wet if he didn’t put his coat on.

I also decided to take the camera with me, I usually just use my iphone but my daughter has lent me her big girl camera, I have no idea what I am doing so I just point and shoot. I was going to start a photo blog on another site but then I thought why? You have a blog you write on and walking taking pictures is part of inspiring others who are feeling like shit, to just do what makes them happy. I also thought about how repetitive my pics will be due to the fact; I walk the dog the same way every day. Then realised that I could take the same picture every day for a lifetime, but with the tidal flows, the weather and Mother Nature in general, all the pictures would be different. Plus, nobody actually has to look at them if they don’t want to, they are purely for you to look at and remember that day and how different it was to all other days.

I also looked at it through my mood and if the pictures would reveal how I was feeling on any said day. Everybody takes pictures on sunny days and most people are happy and smiling, but what about the days it’s cold and raining and you’re really feeling sad? What about then, they are the days I usually have my headphones on head down and ignore the world. Taking the camera out with my, meant I would have to lift up my head and see what is around me, I think 200 photos of concrete grass and sand would even be boring to me. So now I have to look around, refocus my mind and actually see. I mean yes concrete can look good, so can grass it’s all about focus.

Pretty much like making the choice to stay in bed or focus my mind on something else and push myself to do it. I have nothing to lose, but I may gain something. It might be I capture a really good picture or actually talk to other dog walkers, you just don’t know. I actually stayed out about 2 hours in the end, isn’t not about the distance, my Fibromyalgia limits that, it’s about the quality of that time and being able to focus my mind away from my pain, the black thoughts whirling around in my mind and just putting that focus on a bird, a building my own dog, it doesn’t matter. That quality time gave me a space in my mind to upload the world around me, even on a really grey and wet day, still had its moments when something beautiful would show up.

My pictures may not appeal to anybody, they might be crap quality. I am not a photographer I am just a point and shoot girl for now. But as with computers, for the most part I am self taught, but I can take them apart and put them together, I can overcome most issues and I actually got some qualifications out of it in my 40’s so who knows where this will lead? All I can say at the moment is it made me refocus my attention onto something else and stopped my focus just being on me and how I feel. I know not everybody had a dog, but maybe borrow a neighbours or just go on your own, you don’t need an expensive camera, your phone will do it too, just go outside with the sole purpose of  taking some pictures, you will notice how much your mind clears, especially if you are actually looking for something interesting to photograph.

Some picture I took a few days ago will appear on my blog with information as to what it is and the history, if there is any. It also means I have to do some research; this is also focusing my mind on other things. All I know is by refocusing my focus today, my mood has elevated, the dog is happy and worn out, and we saw life on the outside of the walls of our minds and homes.

REMEMBER: Like, Comment, as long as your reading, it makes a girls day to know you read my crap 

Rambles and rewards in a technical world


I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, trying to sort itunes out and load my ipod, or should I say reload. After the major crash and loss of my 4000+ songs on my trusty ipod it decided to go to the ipod heaven in the sky. I was devastated with my loss, especially as I hadn’t back it onto my itunes properly, then my PC with all my music and data was gone too. I like many of you rely on technology so much now that when things go wrong with them, we panic, we don’t know what to do.

Ok I got a new ipod, a new motherboard, a computer rebuild and I have had to start again, but why did this loss feel like a loss of a person? I mean really have we come so far away from real life that losing data be it files or music feel like we have had major surgery. It really is sad but also eye opening, to be honest, if my pen had run out while writing this blog on a piece of paper; would I have felt such devastation? No I would have sworn, launched said pen then gone on the hunt for a new one. I feel that everything we do now revolves around sitting on our phones, laptops, and macs whatever. Not actually spending time holding a pen, reading a book, (no I will never succumb to a kindle) and feeling its pages, we are all going to end up as hunchbacks with arthritic necks.

I am not knocking the tech, I mean really, I wouldn’t communicate with another person  if I didn’t have the internet. I love twitter even when all you read are depressing tweets; you will also find some that counter those and give you joy in your heart. Over the last week alone, we have seen how people will support each other when they really need to. As a Britt, we have always heard of the British, we will overcome, rally together and thought it was just this country that really pulled together, but it’s not, the world now is pulling together and making itself heard and that gives me such hope and pride in times this week when I have felt like life just wasn’t worth the effort.

Out there are Black and White, Gay and Straight, Muslim and Catholic, standing together, building a human wall of resistance and of unity, hope and belief that by standing together as individuals, we are just like atoms coming together to make a force that will not cave in that will fight for what’s right, it not just British spirit anymore it’s world spirit. Long may it continue, not just as a brief cause but as a reminder that no matter what colour our skin, what religion or sexual orientation, we are stronger together.

I have found it more uplifting than anything else. Even though this past week hasn’t been easy health wise, mentally I feel a bit less brain scrambled, although my anxiety levels are over the heart attack stress level. Ok slight exaggeration, they are really high. I had to return again to the dentist, I will admit she was amazing and even though I told her the local anaesthetic wouldn’t work she injected it anyway. It didn’t work, she kept saying she would give me more injections, my anxiety and valium told her not to bother, just get on with it. It turned out not as bad as it could have been and even though I have got to go back at least twice more I am not so scared; the pain part is over with for now. Sadly though I have inherited gum disease, I mean I am not surprised it is genetic. Still all my teeth are my own and I hope to keep them a little longer.

A little more about my anxiety. I have been so on edge and anxious, that while walking the dog a few days ago, I actually jumped out of my skin at my own shadow, not once but twice. I had a double shadow because of where I was walking in relation to the sun, yes we do get some of that orange blob in the sky in the UK, not often but it isn’t always raining here. I really did think somebody was following me though and it was a horrible feeling, I actually stopped to let the person pass me, but it was my shadow, I really leapt out of my skin and was so close to tears I had to find a little place to sit and rock for a while. I swear if the men with the white coats had been out that day they would have definitely taken me away.

I also had a major episode in the supermarket, See I now remember why I do my grocery shopping online; it means I don’t have to leave the house. I was very fortunate to be with my mum and I managed to find an empty aisle to stand in, or lean on my trolley without falling over anyway. I hate when it happens in public places, not so much on the beach with the dog, because I am usually listening to my music and just look down and sit on the sand pretending to gaze out to sea. Because of the panic attacks seem to be coming out of nowhere, I can’t seem to find my trigger. It isn’t like the supermarket was packed or the beach was crowded, I can’t control them and they have even been leading to some extreme dreams and also to night terrors, so I guess I will just have to go with them and stop trying to fight against them.

This blog seems to be getting really, really long and I don’t know if anybody can even be bothered to read this far down but chucking my thoughts out of my head leaves me some space and it has even led to me having a major epiphany during a beach walk the other day, I am not ready to share this with the world yet but needless to say my eyes were opened.

So back to the full circle of where I started technology, GRRRR My wireless internet connection just went down and I couldn’t find my Ethernet cable for a minute or so, this caused more anxiety, it’s ok I found it, right in front of my face, I guess I can be thankful it wasn’t in a really safe place, then I would have never found it.

I have been very lucky in the past 7/8 months that I have found some friends on twitter, I know you say that they aren’t real friends but believe me they have helped me at times of crisis and one day I will be brave and rich enough to fly and meet them all. I would like to give a major shout out to somebody on Twitter who shared a blog page she had written about a letter she wrote to herself, unlike this person I haven’t seen Eat, Pray Love so I can’t relate in the same way she did. But she shared a letter she had written to herself when she was at her rock bottom, it was a real eye opener and really resonated with me for some reason, maybe it’s because I have always been a letter writer, not so much since its mainly emails now, but you know what I mean.

Well this week I went out and got myself a couple of nice notebooks and sat with real paper and real pen and I wrote a letter to myself, once I started it was as if I couldn’t stop. It’s 5 pages long and I felt like somebody took a rock off of my back and gave me space to breathe, I am not going to name this person, she knows who she is and I want to say thank you and I would advise everybody suffering depression, anxiety, loss of confidence, go grab a pen a real pen and some paper and write that letter to yourself, you will feel so much better and even if you have to write a letter to yourself every day, you can you should, you’re worth the effort and actually having a pen in your hand and a move away from the keyboard was so much more fulfilling than if I had typed it up.

Give it a go, you’ve got nothing to lose apart from a pen and bit of paper.

#MuslimBan #Brexit #MayTrump adds to mental illness



For the last month or so, I’ve been having a bit of a tough time, I have been having night terrors again and they are lucid ones so they scare the crap out of me, crying a lot and my fibro and chronic fatigue have been getting the better of me. All I do is cry and sleep, on a good day I have actually forced myself out with the dog and taken photo’s with my daughters camera, anything to give me a different perspective, other than the dark thoughts that plague my mind.

I found myself pulling away from everybody and everything more and more, even those on my twitter feed who really make me laugh. But even they are struggling because of the election of an orange cheeto. I am not one for politics usually, I leave that to my better educated and politically in tune daughter. But since Brexit my interest has taken more of a turn towards what happens next.

Now I say each to their own, vote for who you want to, that’s our right as UK citizens, but respect others too. But as a nation it has divided us more than I ever expected, the country has always had racists in it, be they against: race, religion, sexual orientation. Let’s be honest there will always be haters, some of who have no idea why they hate they just do. But it seem that Brexit seems to have some think it’s now ok to show your discrimination in the open and racism it seems is increasing. I find this so upsetting, as somebody who was raised to accept people as they are I find it so hard to accept that we don’t see people as just that people. I have said this before that when my grandmother arrived in the UK from Ireland, she was ignored, spat on and basically ostracised because she was Irish, catholic and so she must be associated with the IRA.

It is hard sometimes to remember the politically correct terms to use now, as each generation was brought up to call people different terms, Like trying to get my parents to say black instead of coloured, even I catch myself at times, but that was the term and wasn’t considered racist at the time, also mixed race, was half-caste, its hard but they weren’t at the time considered racist terms and they don’t mean it in a disrespectful way. They do try as I do to remember what to say as not to offend anybody. So sorry in advance.

I am sick that the country I was born, raised and live in has gotten like this. Now I know I don’t live in the USA, but I am so upset and angry by what’s happening with Trump banning Muslims from entering the country, even those that were born and raised there, they can’t leave or they won’t get back in. It makes me so angry, it’s bad enough that he is stopping immigrants getting in but this is a step too far. I can’t even put into words how this has made me feel, I cannot comprehend that one man has the power to do this, Islam is a peaceful religion, Muslims are people too.

I have holidayed in Turkey for years, the people there are the kindest most family orientated, helpful and tolerant I have ever met. while on holiday in Icmeler one year I met 2 ladies from Scotland, one was catholic, one protestant, the catholic one was dating a Muslim man and we were sitting chatting one day and got talking about our religions, what Ali couldn’t understand, even though he was dating a catholic, was how my dad a Catholic, married a Protestant. How the 2 ladies were best friends being different religions. He had been taught that these 2 religions could not be together like we all were and not have any hatred towards each other.

We explained that what hatred is taught, we are not born to hate, that we are just people and that you don’t say to a person “hello, what religion are you ? we say” hello” and unless at some point later in our friendship religion comes up , like on filling in a form we just don’t think of it as an issue. Ali was really impressed and as we said to him, you are dating a catholic woman, did you like her as a woman or did you see a catholic and think, I fancy dating one of those?

Donald trump has made me feel so hopeless, I want to stand with my American friends and feel like I can make a difference, I want to show every religion and colour that I feel nothing but love and acceptance. I want to prove that we are all people and not our colour, religion or sexual orientation, we are just flesh and blood. It’s funny how Trump only bans Muslims from countries he has no business in, what would happen if all the Muslims who worked in his business’s put down tools in protest, I wonder how much of his empire would come to a standstill, not just in Muslim countries but around the world. The man is a racist, his entire cabinet are racist.

I have already said that if Theresa May allies herself and doesn’t oppose Trumps, wall and racist agenda I will disown my British nationality and take up my entitlement to be an Irish citizen, not a dual nationality, just pure Irish.

I had a Face time rant with my daughter today, .She like me feels useless and hopeless and wants to let all Muslims, women and every persecuted American, we stand by you and if we could be there in person we would be. Doubt after what we have put on twitter etc about Trump we will be allowed in to the States for the next 4 years but we are standing with you in spirit and in our hearts. I am now off to sign a petition so prevent Trump being allowed to enter the UK. We don’t need dictators coming here we have enough shit with leaving Europe and our own racist to fight. Thanks for reading.


Law and Order SVU and Fan respect: AKA the break up episode and my thoughts

svu-castIt’s three in the morning

You’re nowhere in sight
And all that I wanted was
To be with you
I’ve watched love get closer
And then fade away
I’ve seen you believe in me
I’ve seen you trying to stay
But what good is holding on
When you know
That all you can think about
Is letting go
They say if you love someone
Then set them free
If they come back again
Then in the end
It was meant to be
I thought we were lovers
I thought we were friends
I guess when reality
Steps in
The dreaming ends
We live for the future
We learn from the past
No matter how hard we try
Some good things never last
All you can think about
Is letting go
Be true to yourself my love
That’s all

Before I actually get into the episode I want to say to some so called SVU “fans”, you have made me feel physically sick with all the nasty comments thrown at each other, it is unnecessary. We are all supposed to be fans of a show, it doesn’t matter who you ship, what season you prefer or who you want a character to end up with. It’s an ensemble cast and every character, actor, writer, staff member and their follower deserves respect. So please stop being nasty to each other, just because you are on the other side of a screen and can’t be seen it doesn’t mean your words can’t hurt somebody, plus it’s not what the cast crew would want. Before you say “how do I know what the cast want?” It’s because I am an adult human being and from everything the I have read, heard and from what the show is about. Being bitchy and nasty just because you are on a computer doesn’t make your comments and bullying any less than a crime so please STOP AND RESPECT EACH PERSON AS A PERSON NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG

I have now watched the ep, I must say I was expecting it but it still hurts. This got me thinking and I am going to put my thoughts on here , you may agree, you may not but really as it’s my blog and my thoughts so I’m going with it.

So the first scene with Olivia and Noah, how sweet was that kid? He actually got lots of words. As any parent, person that works with children, or even has kids around them knows when you see your kid in a dangerous situation like that, your heart beats so fast and you fly into panic mode. I loved the scene. I can understand why Liv said she would call Ed back, and then didn’t I mean I’ve done the same; it’s the mother brain it seems to throw everybody and thing out of the window when the adrenaline stops.

I wanted to watch and write about the break up the hints of it not being over or is this really the end? Let’s be honest here, when Olivia sees the kind of life Theo is living, surely she can see that Noah has a good life, a nanny that cares, a stable boyfriend that cares as much about Noah as he does about her. He took them both to Paris for f’s sake. He meets her in the park after work to spend time with both of them. Not once have we seen Ed making Olivia choose, so unless we are supposed to believe that suddenly (in the off screen) that he wants all of her time I don’t get it.

What I really get from this episode, yes I know I’m reading too much into this and it’s only a tv show, but yes I am an obsessed fan, so it is all about Parallels, If we remember Julie told us also Olivia said it, relationships have Complications. Well this is a complicated episode; Amanda saying that the mother wasn’t mother of the year, (understatement) got Olivia as well as Amanda about their own children and the time they have with them.

When Olivia when talking to the doctor and hearing about the long hours, about wanting a child but choosing work, you see Olivia agreeing. They also talked about the practicalities of being in a relationship, worrying about if being a mother would mean boredom and resentment would set in. It’s basically about finding balance, which Olivia told Fin she had. All of this feeding into Olivia’s insecurities and worries about not seeing Noah grow up and missing all the good stuff. This makes me wonder if this is why she pushes Fin to take the serg’s exam, to take some of the pressure off. I also want to know why Fin not Amanda, I know he has been there longer but Amanda has been number 2 for the last few weeks anyway.

The episode also showed that you can spend lots of time with your child but still not actually be there, I mean the kid gets kidnapped and almost drowned with his mother there, Olivia is seeing and not seeing this, it’s not about the quantity in any relationship, mother child or relationship. It’s about the quality of the time you spend with them, making them special and enjoying the time you all have. (Get back in therapy Liv)

At the hospital when the parents are arguing and the doctor says about why she can’t take Theo home, due to the law not being changed. Olivia must be thinking about what happens to Noah if anything happens to her, maybe even worried that Ed wouldn’t want the responsibility. As usual not talking to Ed about it, just putting it behind the wall and taking it she is alone in this. Could it be the PTSD, let’s be honest, Ed mentioned about the shooting and it taking its toll, Olivia giving her usual “I’m fine” response. Therapy   Liv   Therapy.

The semi reconciliation of the parents in the office, when they realise that the kid needs them both to be there for him, can you see foreshadowing? I can.

The talk between Olivia and Ed broke my heart, but unlike when Munch said to Noah Bye, Ed said “night night” which to me also means this is not the end, just a bloody big bump. I know we are supposed to believe that a lot happens off screen but I only see Ed trying to keep it together, I also expected him to fight her on it not just walk away. Olivia runs, Ed knows that, he knew she was doing her usual running away, he told her not while he was around, well I think he will be around in some context. My emotions are having emotions over this heart -breaking scene, but I refuse to give up. Olivia will see the benefits of having Ed in her life, yes she doesn’t want to retire, but if Ed does he will fit around her schedule so more time together. Noah starting school, college. As I was once told “Never let the kids come between your relationship, make them part of it, because one day they will go their own way. What have you got then? Loneliness”

Ok some things that have pissed me off in general:

  • When Olivia was with Brian we had, Hand holding, snuggle on the couch and kisses. OH and Olivia come into the room in Bri’s shirt
  • Davis Hayden we saw Kisses, in bed together her in his shirt, dates.
  • Ed, of yeah she linked his arm, he went to her apartment and one kiss, yes 1

If it was intended to have Ed propose last season, was Olivia going to say no? So the new show runner and the Wolfe man thought it was too soon? Seriously? Do they not watch the same show we do? Yes as obsessed fans we do read into probably more than we should, to the casual watcher it’s just a show they enjoy, but to diehard fans that have invested since episode 1, that have all the dvd’s and re-watch countless time it matters, we like continuity we like our ships, no matter what ship we sail on. I bet even casual fans can’t believe what happened. But as I said I have not given up hope. The 400th episode is called Motherly love, made but not airing as 400. Does this mean something could happen to make Olivia rethink her decisions? Does it mean she will see the parallels between a good mother and her own life? Let’s hope so. As I tweeted today, the cast and crew haven’t said bye or thanked Bobby for his work, his dedication etc like they did when Andy left, everybody said their piece. This gives me hope and I hope it gives you some too.

Be kind and nice to each other, everybody has a ship to float on, let them float on it but let’s all agree to support Mariska, Kelli, Ice, Bobby, Peter and all the rest of the crew and writers and our beloved SVU.

Please leave a comment or a like on Twitter, it would be nice to know somebodt bothered to read this and how they feel Thanks

Down the rabbit hole

Having a really bad day, my anxiety is spiraling out of control, I can’t stop crying and I’ve shut myself off from everybody because I can’t cope at the minute, it’s just too much. I feel I need to type this because if I don’t my emotions will overtake me and I don’t want that. I also don’t need it, I can’t even figure out why I’m in this funk. It doesn’t make sense.

I have been putting into practice all the things I can to stop this funk and bring out the positive but today it’s just too hard. I did manage to leave the house and go out with my mum for a couple of hours yesterday, so maybe the adrenaline used for that has left me depleted. I have made an appointment for the doctors and the dentist next week, the doctor is a new doctor to me so that’s making my anxiety rise. As for the dentist, I know I wrote about it a while back, but as a reminder. The last time I went, they removed my wisdom tooth plus the one next to it as it has a large cyst on it, that was fine but I local anaesthetics don’t work to well on me, meaning I have to have so many injections I might as well be a pin cushion. The extractions were fine, what wasn’t fine  was the TMJ it left me with, 3 months of not being able to open my mouth wide enough to eat solid food. I could only eat with a teaspoon and had to force in a baby size toothbrush to attempt cleaning my teeth.

Positive side I lost lots of weight, bad side I hate soups ad liquidised food so I lived on Ice cream. Its winter, I can’t live on ice cream again. I am going to ask the doctor for diazepam to get me through this but again I will have to double or triple down on the dose because of my high drug tolerance levels. I am terrified; I know this is also adding to my anxiety. I’m not sleeping; my eating is sporadic at best. My migraines have increased and my body has given up. It’s making my mind want to follow and just give up. I won’t because I know I have things to live for but I have fallen down the rabbit hole and I’m struggling to climb out.

Sorry if this is rambling, not making sense but I had to get some shit written down, I don’t want to talk to anybody, I just can’t even thinking about it makes me really anxious so I figured I’d use this form of getting it off my chest. Not that I feel any better but I might later.